What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a favorite tactic of narcissists and manipulators. It is used to obstruct and distort their victims reality. The Narcissist will do something completely wrong. Then they will question their victim’s sanity for reacting to the situation. Sometimes the proof will be right in front of them and the narcissist will completely deny it happened. Even if the victim saw it or heard them say something. This is how they make their victims question themselves. This was my ex-husbands and ex best friends favorite thing to do.

They will rewrite history or events that took place to benefit them. They will try to convince their victim that its all in their head somehow. They will even try to diagnose them as bipolar or crazy somehow. They will make the people in their lives question everything. They are master manipulators. This is how they gain control over people in their lives. This is one of the most emotionally abusive things a person can do to a person.

You can’t argue with these mater manipulators. Most the time they even convince themselves of their own lies. Best course of action for your own sanity is to cut them completely our of your life.

Here are some signs of gaslighting:

  • Lying with certainty and sticking to it.
  • Denying and demanding proof.
  • Using tricks (wrong information) to confuse you.
  • Not taking or allowing criticism.
  • Manipulate in many ways such as trivializing and minimizing.
  • You question if your feelings are justified.
  • You second guess yourself and past events.
  • You apologize all the time and never trust your own judgment.
  • You make excuses for your partner with friends and family.
  • You start to think there is something wrong with you and you question yourself all the time.
  • You feel like something might be off and don’t feel like yourself anymore.
  • You feel confused an unable to make simple decisions.
  • You are constantly reminded of shortcomings and failures. You are always walking on eggshells. You feel insecure.
  • You feel isolated.
  • They use what you love against you.
  • You question your own sanity.
  • They confuse you with positive reinforcement.
  • Their words don’t math their actions.
  • They were not like this when you first met.
  • They turn people against you.
  • They project their inadequacies on to you.
  • They say cruel jokes.
  • Your a victim of public humiliation.
  • They deprive you of sleep.
  • They try to destroy your reputation and self image.
  • You often wonder if your being to sensitive.
  • You feel like everything you do is wrong.
  • You feel completely hopeless.
  • They rage at you for an honest question.
  • They will twist the story.
  • They will refuse to talk about an important topic.
  • They will shame you for bringing something up.
  • They will accuse you of something your not doing.
  • They will play the victim.
  • They will pick at you for small things like missing a spot while you are cleaning.
  • They will turn conversations to what you are doing wrong.

Here are some phrases that narcissists will say when they are gaslighting you:

  • I never said that.
  • That is not how it happened.
  • You misinterepted things.
  • I only said that because of you.
  • You made me do that.
  • You always are twisting things.
  • Your divorce has really taken a toll on me.
  • When I get old and can’t take care of myself, just have someone kill me because I know you won’t want to take care of me.
  • Stop trying to mother him.
  • You fail at home so you will fail at school.
  • I have forgotten more than you will ever be able to learn.
  • You’re so sensitive.
  • Why do you always have to argue with me?
  • You are not making any sense.
  • You read into things too much.
  • You are so stupid and immature.
  • You don’t know anything about this.
  • You always do this.
  • Why are you like this?
  • I never did that to you! In fact, YOU’RE hurting ME for even suggesting that!
  • Shame on you.
  • Oh so I guess I can’t say anything anymore.
  • Show a little respect.
  • It breaks my heart to hear you actually think we set out to hurt you.
  • Why do you always bring up the past?
  • Where did I go wrong in parenting?
  • Why can’t you be more like your brother and sister?
  • I’ve done everything for you I’ve given you everything.
  • I don’t really remember that happening that way.
  • Are you sure your mom didn’t do that to you?
  • Calm Down.
  • You’re taking things the wrong way again!
  • It’s always something with you isn’t it.
  • You’re putting words in my mouth.
  • Your making things up.
  • You’re so ungrateful.
  • I’ve done everything for you and you treat me like a piece of shit!
  • You’re being dramatic.
  • I provided you with a roof over your head, food in your mouth, clothes on your back, and toilet paper to wipe you’re a**! I gave you what you wanted (snacks and such) when you didn’t deserve it!
  • Don’t put words into my mouth.
  • You don’t know everything/I used to be arrogant too when I was your age.
  • I apparently can’t have any negative emotions!
  • I should have never encouraged you to speak.
  • I didn’t mean it like that.
  • You have a selective memory.
  • If you were paying attention…
  • If you were listening…
  • If you knew how to listen…
  • We talked about this. Don’t you remember?
  • I guess I’ll have to repeat myself since you can’t remember.
  • You need to learn to communicate better.
  • You’re being irrational.
  • Don’t you think you’re over-reacting?
  • You’re just over-sensitive.
  • Stop being so sensitive.
  • You’re too emotional.
  • You can’t take a joke.
  • You’re so thin-skinned.
  • You always jump to the wrong conclusion.
  • Stop taking everything I say so seriously.
  • Can you hear yourself?
  • I criticize you because I like you.
  • You’re the only person I have these problems with.
  • You’re reading too much into this.
  • I’m not arguing; I’m discussing.
  • I know what you’re thinking.
  • You should have known that this was not a good time to talk.
  • Why are you upset? I was only kidding.
  • Why would you think that? What does that say about you?
  • I had it much worse than you.
  • I only did it because of what you did/you do it.
  • It was just a joke.
  • You’re crazy. No-one will believe you over me.
  • One day, you’ll understand when you get into the real world.
  • How much control do you want?!
  • Well, if you would just do what I tell you to do, we wouldn’t have this problem.
  • You need to learn to lighten up.
  • You’re so sensitive! How are you going to handle the real world?!
  • You’re being so emotional.
  • I don’t remember that/I don’t remember saying that.
  • Oh come on, it’s not that big a deal, why are you being a big baby about this?
  • Well how much more [basic need/necessary resource] could you need?
  • You think you know everything and that you’re never wrong.
  • You always gotta have the last word.
  • You only think that because you’re too [young/stupid/female/queer/etc] to know any better.

Gaslighting is power weapon abusers use against their victims. Know how to spot it. Leave these individuals to their own reality. Don’t let these emotional terrorist play with your head. Your reality is all you need. Not the reality they try to create for you. That’s the worse place to be.

“When someone loves you, the way they talk about you is different. You feel safe and comfortable.” – Jess C. Scott

Published by Coach Jeanie

Self Love and Self Care Life Coach Odessa, Texas

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